Go Go Gadget Career!

Well, I haven't updated in a while, and essentially, that's because I've been securing some pretty big news:

I'm the Lead Designer on a new game for the Nintendo Wii!

So I think things are going to shift gears around here -- I know you guys "love" to read about my opinions, but I think you'd probably prefer to know what's going on with the game from here on in.

Here's what I can safely post online:

#1. It's a small team, and I had to bring in the art team myself.
#2. The game COULD be a big deal, but in reality (especially with our budget), I doubt it will do little more than serve as work experience (which is fine).
#3. If you have four Wii-Motes, this is going to be the most interactive game ever, hands down.
#4. I'm actually in talks to design a package-in that comes with the game that will attach directly to the Wii-Motes (like the recently announced Mario Kart wheel).
#5. I am probably going to be bouncing ideas in my head ALL THE TIME. If you want to be my sounding board for ideas, let me know :-)

That's all for now, stay tuned

I sure am lazy

This article might be helpful for aspiring game writers such as myself:

You need to learn how to script.

I don't mean script like Hollywood, or even script like cursive. I mean script like "If A=True, then Begin B." It's pretty straightforward, actually, but most people have no idea how to do this. A good way to practice (if you're a student, especially) is to get your mind wrapped around the TI-83 calculator that you likely had to buy for a math class you hated. The TI-83 is DESIGNED to function off of conditional equations. Here's a good practice one for you folks at home -- it's a basic menu selection (I'll explain in a second):

:: ClrHome
:: Lbl X
:: Menu("How Awesome Am I?","Very",A,"Super",B)

#1. At this point in the program, you've only told the calculator to do two things. First, with the ClrHome command, you told it to clear the display. Pretty simple, right?
#2. Next, you assigned a label to this point in the program so that you can get back there with ease. In this case, the label is "X." If I ever want the program to revert to this point, I would command "Goto X," and the program would revert to this point.
#3. Finally, I told the program to create a menu. The menu will ask "How awesome am I?" and offer two choices: Very, and Super (yes, I'm conceited). At this point, the result of a selection has not yet been determined, so selecting either answer does nothing. But let's continue...

:: ClrHome
:: Lbl X
:: Menu("How Awesome Am I?","Very",A,"Super",B)
::
:: ClrHome
:: Lbl A
:: Disp "Good Answer!"
:: Pause
:: Goto X

So now things get a little trickier. As you can see, I cleared the screen again after you make your menu choice (no sense in that hogging up the screen!). Next, I established a label for A. The "Lbl A" signifies that this is where the code will start once the "A" answer, or "Very" is selected. Next, I have used the DISP command to display the text "Good Answer!" In order to keep that text visible, I have added the PAUSE command, which will keep the text visible until the user presses ENTER on the calculator. Finally, I added "Goto X" to send the program back to the menu after the selection is made.

So let's finish this sucker, shall we?

:: ClrHome
:: Lbl X
:: Menu("How Awesome Am I?","Very",A,"Super",B)
::
:: ClrHome
:: Lbl A
:: Disp "Good Answer!"
:: Pause
:: Goto X
::
:: Lbl B
:: ClrHome
:: Disp "Jeff Sure Is The","Shit, Right?"

As from before, I'm applying a label to the "B" answer, or "Super." I've added a ClrHome here just in case you DID select "A" earlier. Finally, I've displayed the message "Jeff Sure Is The Shit, Right?" but what's with that "," between The and Shit? Well, the answer is that the calculator can only hold so many characters horizontally. The "," tells it to move to the next line before continuing the text, so that everything is visible. By not adding a "Goto" command or Pause command at the end of this DISP command, the program is finished, and will display a little "Done" at the bottom right of the screen at this point.

Congrats! Your first program is done!

So what does this have to do with games? Well, let's imagine that my job is to write quests (and, for ease, let's say that the scripting language is the same as the TI-83 language...even though I know it isn't).

So, here you are in World of Warcraft or some MMORPG like it, and you encounter an NPC (non-player character) who offers you quest options. The encounter could read:

:: ClrHome
:: Menu("Please, mister! I need money","for drugs! Can you help me?","Absolutely!",A,"Forget it, Kid!"B)
::
:: Lbl A
:: Disp "In a fit of rage, the child","takes your wallet!"
:: Pause
:: Run prgm LoseCash
::
:: Lbl B
:: Disp "The child thanks you profusely","and gets high.","YOU GAIN 50 EXP!"
:: Pause
:: Run prgm GainExp

In these examples, all I do is provide the inbetween text for an unusual interaction. The "run prgm" sections are animations and other interaction programming that I simply link to for the interaction to occur. Neat, right?

And no, I don't condone the use of drugs :-)

Viva Resetti!

Jeez...I don't even KNOW how long it's been since my last post.

This job really takes it out of you -- I'm up at 6 every day, and don't get home until 6. That leaves 12 hours in the day to eat, sleep, and hunt down oversized boar. Much to my dismay, that really doesn't leave much time to blog, so this sucker is getting updated on a "when the time allows" basis. In my case, I didn't go to work today (feeling under the weather), so you all can benefit from my awesomeness.

Some news:

Was in talks with Midway to do some testing for Stranglehold...probably some time next week. Best of all, it's in the evening, so I won't be missing work.

Also got in touch with Matt from HVS, who seems..."cordially detached." No new projects means no new job, but I'm going to be on his ass like underwear.

But in a strange change of pace, (There was a pace?) I'm actually going to do a review.

Every now and then, there's a game that either gets more attention that it really deserves because it has a certain element to it or name (See: Fable, Ace Combat, ExciteTruck), or gets no attention when it really deserves some. When I see the latter, I really get worked into a lather (I and I can rhyme rather...well).

So, that having been said, I want to talk about Viva Pinata for a little bit:
The game functions a lot like a "breeding sim." You start out with a patch of land, and try to lure animals/pinatas onto it by making it enticing (carrots, lots of grass, animals to eat...etc). Once an animal has decided it likes your plot of land (and there are listed conditions for this), it will become a resident. From there, you use what animals you have already attracted to attract bigger and better animals. Somewhere in this mess is the fact that you breed these animals over and over again, with ANY member of the same species through a sick "mating dance" game.

Apparently, when pinata reproduce, they listen to disco.

So...really, it's a sick sort of farming sim with a cutesy angle. But there's a way to WIN. A lot of people tell me that this game is an Animal Crossing-type game. But it isn't.

Animal Crossing has no goal. The ASSUMED goal is to get everything, and even then, you have nothing to show for your RIDICULOUS labor. In Viva Pinata, your goal is to fill your garden, however you want. The difference is that in filling your garden, your surroundings change IMMEDIATELY. And unlike Animal Crossing, where you can just choose to do nothing, Pinata actually has gameplay that forces you to be active.

More on this later.

Yay Employment!

I have a job.

Unfortunately, that means by blog-time, I'm exhausted. So, as far as the blog goes, these posts aren't going to be a guaranteed 4 times a week. Right now, I'm evaluating it, and seeing if I need to switch the days around. As it is, you'll have to make do without a post today.

Sorry.

Things to Buy Before I Die

When I've become rich and wealthy beyond my wildest dreams, I'm going to get my Airheads-esque list of game-related things that I want.

For today, you get two :-)

#1. X-Men Arcade Cabinet
Oh hell yes.

Come on -- how can you honestly survive another day without this game? You get to hack, slash, and mutate your way through a game with six X-Men playing at the same time.

Not only do you get to use the usual crew, but you get the likes of Dazzler just to make sure that no one wants to get to the machine last.

Also, how could you forget a game with memorable lines such as these?

• "I am Magneto, Master of Magnet!"
  
  
• "Thank you X-Men! But Magneto is in another place."
  
• 
  
• "X-Chicken!"
  
  
• "I have a tiny man"
  
  
• "Kill you!"
  
  
• "You are dead!"
  
  
• "Welcome...to die!"
  
  
• "Ballistic BARRAGE!"
  
  
• "X-MUN! Nice Job. Magneto is other there! follow me!"

#2. The Zelda Games For The CD-i

Not only did Nintendo make the grave error of giving Philips the licensing rights to its characters (a result of the Sony/Nintendo fallout), but they were forced to sit idly and watch the horror of not one, but THREE awful Zelda games.

Sadly, I cannot say that I've had the *pleasure* of playing any of these games (Wand of Gamelon, Zelda's Adventure, Link: Faces of Evil), but damn it, I want the chance to have my face melt before I die.

Or die from my face melting.

I forget.

Out on a Limb

Taking a break from my usual obsession with the past and the analysis thereof, let's talk about something else: the future.

See, I have been watching these so called "next-gen" systems for quite a while now, and I've come to a conclusion that really is going to piss some people off. Frankly, I expect less than 50% of you to agree with me.

Ready?

The "big budget games" are going extinct.

Games like "Tony Hawk 51" and "Sonic n' Jesus: Fighting Crime" aren't going to exist in the future -- at least not the way you expect them to.

See, in order to make a game like "Tony Hawk 51," you need to have a huge budget. Not only do you need to have the programming muscle necessary to produce such a game, but you need to have a shitload of money to deliver "next gen" graphics, along with licensed materials.

Observe Figure A:


As you can see here, shit is expensive.
Back in the day, you could have a game made in five weeks, or have a game made by just one guy. Hell, one of my favorites (ToeJam and Earl) was just two guys dicking around! How cool is that?

However, as technology changes from colored squares to pixels and polygons, you need more manpower to get the job done. This is a good thing, but to a point.

A lot of ideas couldn't exist without better graphics and processors. Imagine trying to make a game like Mario 64 on the Super Nintendo -- impossible (for example, see Virtua Fighter 2 on the Sega Genesis).

However, there exists a point where you have the freedom technologically to do, well, pretty much whatever the hell you want. If you can think it, you can do it. As such, if a developer has an idea, he can make it with this current wave of hardware (and probably with the last wave, too). So why are these machines and their production costs getting bigger and pricier?

Personally, I think the wave of the future is in a system like the Wii, or an idea like XBOX Live Arcade. In both situations, the gamer is given the opportunity to play innovative games. Look at a game like Castle Crashers. That game looks like it's going to kick ass, and it'll probably only cost me $10 or so! Why should I spend $60 on the steaming pile of shit that is Spiderman 3 (PS3, 360) when I can save $50 and have more fun?

If the machines keep advancing at this pace (software/hardware), then the independent developer is the guy who gets screwed. The only people that will be able to keep up with the high overhead of making games will be the big three (Sony, Nintendo, Microsoft), and a few third party developers (EA, Ubisoft) that will likely be consumed by one of the companies. Great ideas for games will get squashed due to the high overhead to create such a game. For example, look at the budget for Spore, Will Wright's latest. Yes, it's going to kick ass, but how much would you like to bet that without Will Wright's name on it, this sucker never would have gotten the green light? And without EA's financial backing, would this game even be able to exist?

I want to see people have ideas, and make them work. I want to see the XNA Toolkit become second nature to people that like to have fun, and then they really CAN make their own games. This is where the advancement of console tech needs to stop, or you might as well just buy a computer with an emulator.

At this rate, it'll eventually be cheaper.

Milk Me

'bout time Comcast got around to fixing things. The internet (in total) is still a little fritzy, but I can get things done for the most part.

This is good.

So, here's the update since...well, apparently, the middle of April. Wow.

-- Job --

Went to interview at High-Voltage Software to see if they needed help on the Harvey Birdman project they're working on. Unfortunately, I showed up too late in the product lifecycle, but they really seemed interested in my skills/good looks, and we'll see if I can get involved in their next batch of games ("three to four months from now") as I am towards the top of people they intend to call.
In addition, I went and made some nice connections at EA Chicago (Mythic) and a few more at High-Voltage, but I'm still having trouble breaking into Midway (*cough* Mary Joyce DeLano *cough*) and Day1 Studios (although I intend to visit them on Thursday). All in all, I've actually been a little productive. Go me.

-- Games --

Can't say that I've really had the chance to play anything out of the ordinary. After my love affair with Castlevania, I got really involved in DOTA again (Warcraft III: The Frozen Throne custom map) and dabbled in a few "classics." Oh, and I'm apparently still really good at Halo 2. This is good news (Gamertag: GepettoZHog).

Well, until I realized how many versions there were of it. Let's play a little game called "Milk Me." How many iterations of a game have been milked out of a franchise? Today, we look at the game I was playing this morning -- Mario Kart.

Starting with the basics, I will be kind and count Super Mario Kart and Mario Kart 64 as separate entities. There were enough changes in the game to merit them legitimately different, and I stand by that. Even after that, there is:

Mario Kart: Super Circuit (Super Mario Kart ported to SNES)
Mario Kart DS (Mario Kart 64 ported to DS)
Mario Kart 64 (Wii Enabled Port of Mario Kart 64)
Super Mario Kart (Wii Enabled Port of Super Mario Kart -- not yet announced)

Holy shit that is a lot of milking. I understand that there are franchises (you don't need to tell me!), but in order to be truly successful, you really need to reinvent yourself. Look at the difference between Super Mario Sunshine and any other Mario (especially the new "Super Mario Galaxy"). Mario Kart, on the other hand, changes very little from game to game. Double Dash (which sucked, by the way) was the last Mario Kart game to "stray from the formula." Using two drivers was actually a unique idea. Too bad.

Lousy

Sorry -- been trying to update, but my internet has been horrendous.

Comcast "claims" that they will fix it by the end of the week.

Stay tuned.

Welcome Back!

Well that was a fun break. I don't have a whole lot to say about it, but here's what you missed.

-- Still looking for "the job." Shnikes.
-- I don't want to eat another egg for AT LEAST another week.

And in an interesting twist, I thought of a GREAT example of innovation within a game: X-Men for the Sega Genesis. This game doesn't really perk up ears when you mention it, but it's easily the first (and one of the few) games to break the 4th wall.

At the end of the level "Mojo's Crunch," Professor X appears with a time limit and tells you to "reset the machine." Normally, this would mean hitting a switch in the game, but in reality, you need to hit the RESET button on the Genesis itself in order to progress! After hitting the reset button, the screen does some Matrix-esque binary, and then continues to the final level. Genius!

Some other great examples of breaking the 4th wall:

--Eternal Darkness: Should the "Sanity Meter" drop below a certain point, the game will start creating images that confuse the player, such as a "fly on the screen," or it will even pretend to delete all your save files. Easily my favorite, as it is cruel to the player :-)

-- Metal Gear: A character names "Psycho Mantis" reads the save files from your memory card! When you fight him, he says things like "I can read your mind...I see that you like Castlevania!" and also checks how many times you've saved and fights accordingly. Also, at one point, he yells "Blackout!" and makes the TV look like someone hit the TV/VCR button to change inputs. Very clever.


Seriously, why can't there be more games that do this?

Hiatus

Sorry, but with Passover right around the corner, we're going to be on hiatus here.

FOR TWO WEEKS.

Sorry about that, but look for things to get back in the groove around April 15th.

Updates all around

So, here's what's going on right now:

-- My master plan of getting "The Job" hasn't been going well. At all. I finished that project for How Machines Work back in Feb., but they haven't posted the game anywhere for me to show off. I applied for something else in Lincolnwood, but who knows, right?

-- Speaking of the moneys, I'm actually making quite a bit of it this week. A couple hundred dollars here, a few hundred there...it adds up. This makes it so much easier to be a bum. Really.

-- And speaking of being a bum, I just got through Castlevania. Again. And now I can play the whole damned game as Richter (someone save me the trouble, and tell me if it makes a difference?). Talk about replay value.

-- Also, I've really been flexing my "Fantasy Sports" muscles lately. Yay for exposure.

-- As a consequence of my newfound wealth, I actually have a bit of work to do. So, from the looks of things, the posts this week might be a little scarce. Sorry.

"The Same Could Be Said of All Relgions...but Enough Talk -- Have At You!"

Still working on Castlevania. I had expected to be writing a post right now saying how shitty it was that the game ended so early...etc. I got the "bad ending" the day after I started the game. As soon as I saw the credits (which, might I add, cannot be skipped), I was like, "WHAT!?"

Thankfully, after a little more exploration on my part, I found that contrary to what I had expected, the game was only about half done. I'm starting to see what little things in the game made it so famous.

First of all, there's the inverted castle idea. I think that's BRILLIANT. Think about it -- you have limited disc space, and only room for so many sprites and levels...how do you make the game longer? I KNOW! TURN THE ENTIRE DAMNED CASTLE UPSIDE DOWN!

Seriously!

After beating the castle one way, you have to beat it upside down (which creates different areas and a whole lot more jumping) with much harder enemies. What a great idea!

Next, they really got to work with the "Familiars." Basically, these are dudes that fly around you and have special abilities (the Skull latches on to people and makes them explode, the Fairy can use items for you...etc). The ability to level them up, in addition to discovering them, really adds a level of depth.

Finally, there are things in the game where the purpose is JUST TO SCREW WITH YOU. That's it. There's one room that has a confession boot: if you sit in the chair, the ghost of a priest will come in, close the cloth on the door, and stab you with a series of spears. If you sit in the priests' chair, a female ghost will come in and complain to you.

Genius.

I've explored about 120% of the castle, and I still haven't even played through it as Richter yet. Hooray for replay value!

Neglect

I've been a bit neglectful as of late...it's not that I can't hit my own self-imposed deadlines -- it's that something ALWAYS comes up.

Don't take it personally, but if there's a Woot-Off, all of you out there in TV land are second fiddle (although in retrospect, why bother? The Woot-Off has been subpar thus far).

Started chipping away at Castlevania today. Again, I'm not really seeing the "ZOMG" factor here. I guess I really just need to put it in perspective: this game came before all the ones I've played that are based on it. So I guess it is pretty "revolutionary" for its time.

But I'm still not shitting my pants over it. The voice acting is laughable ("Have at you!"), and can't be skipped. There are only so many times that you're willing to hear Alucard say "........." followed by butchered dialogue. ("I am Alucard, and I am a toolbox.")

Also, the save system is very very cruel. I hate getting locked in a room and knowing that I'm going to die. AND THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO, because it takes 3 seconds to use a healing item. At that point, I'm already dead! Can't save before, because the last save point was 15 minutes ago. And besides, if I go back to that point, I don't "get" anything. I just have to fight through the same monsters again, the very same ones that wrecked me so far. I also don't see the point of upgrading your shield. It blocks projectiles. They all do. But any normal attack sends you on your ass -- regardless of how good the shield is.

And while I'm ranting, why do I have to do the crazy-ass combination for each spell? I'm only going to use two -- the one that gives me everyone's life, and the one that lets me shoot fireballs. That's it. Why can't I assign those to a button on the controller? Maybe if I used the right thumbstick or something? Maybe if I CLICK the thumbstick. SOMEthing. Trying to do a dyslexic fireball motion in the heat of battle doesn't work for me.

Still, it has some solid points. I can tell already that this is a LONG game. That's good. Also, the "re-exploration" factor isn't my favorite thing, but at least it's proof that you've progressed at some point.

More on this later.

Woot! Castlevania!

So, I'm going to make this quick because there is a Woot-Off! going on.

Basically, Castlevania: Symphony of the Night hit XBOX Live today. I will confess, I never really played the game. Now, it's not like I'm entirely new to Castlevania (I played through Aria/Dawn of Sorrow), but apparently SotN is quite the classic.

And I've never played it.

That having been said, I downloaded the XBL demo today (which grants 15 minutes of gameplay sans saves, leveling past level 5, and, of course, without being able to get achievements) and gave it a whirl.

It's nothing special, as far as I can tell.

It's just another Castlevania, just like Dawn/Aria/Harmony...etc. Sidescroll and attack shit. Whoop de doo.

But that doesn't mean it isn't good.

I'll have more on this later, when I know.

Delay

I'll be bringing the heat with a post.


...later. Not right now.

You'll have to wait.

Sorry.

Brain Bio: TechDawg

Let's do something new, shall we?

I always talk about how the industry needs innovative minds, but I never really give any legit examples other than Will Wright. So, that having been said, I say we introduce a new feature called "Brain Bio." Let's look at some people that ARE getting it right.

And yes, I am spazzing a bit about Line Rider. Sue me.

"TechDawg"

Using the Line Rider engine, "TechDawg" has become an innovator/guru of sorts. Most Line Rider movies involve complex tricks or a slow decline. However, TechDawg uses a very unique art style to go along with the complexity of his tracks. Often hailed with the usual Line Rider criticisms ("ZOMG THAT WAS TEH AWESOME!11" and "cool. but u have no life"), TechDawg has pulled a Prometheus and brought fire to the people by explaining what he does on his website and message board. Taking the time to design the tracks is one thing, but teaching gets you a boost in my book.

"Innovation within the trick"

One of TechDawg's trends is to re-use an area (keeping the track smaller, but still lengthy in time) but keeping the rider on a set path. Here, TechDawg uses the same ramp over three times, each time producing a different result (based on the speed applied).


"An Art Form"


In addition to using complex runs, TechDawg does something that no one else even comes close to: he uses some fine looking art. In this video, the art around the lines actually meshes with the music (an odd choice). In this example, the lines range from sheet music to Amadeus himself. Also, catch some moves like the intentional nollie at 2:30 and the final ending. Impressive!


"Like Father Like Son"


I really have nothing to say here. This is the culmination of everything I've been talking about. Note the nollie streak at 1:25, and the perspective shift at 2:01. Amazing.

TechDawg, we salute you.

Not Again

Sorry, but Line Rider has been more addictive than I planned (that, and that I just spent $5 on the old school Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Arcade Game for XBOX Live). My roommate and I just beat it (in about 15 minutes and the equivalent of $30 in quarters).

Actually, it's baffling to me how people get away with this shit. I mean, that game sold entirely on the fact that, hey, the Turtles were in an arcade game! Wit ha cheesy 8-Bit rendition of the theme song pumping at all times, you don't really care that 90% of the enemies can kill you in 2 hits, with the exception being the bosses (that can kill you in ONE hit).

Worst of all, it's essentially the X-Men arcade game (swap the palates and use your imagination). Really, it's not about how well you hack/slash, but how well you insert coins into the slot.

Shame on you, Konami.

It's My Sex-Box, and Her Name is Sony!

Finally, some innovation!

Sequelitis is one disease that apparently has a cure. After being swamped by Game: 4 for the past few months, I'm seeing hope and promise in the world.

First, is Line Rider. Originally a Java app (available if you click HERE), it's apparently being shipped for the DS (good pick!). It's a really simple concept: you draw shit and then let this little sledder dude go all ape-shit on it. Actually, that doesn't really do it justice. Have a look for yourself.





After that, we have hope from, of all places, THE PS3. How did THAT happen? The new game is called LittleBigPlanet, and is basically the XNA studio for people that like pretty colors. And no subscription fees. You can control/make your own games within a game, and then make them with others. Or, just mess up everything your friend tries to make. Again, this requires a video for the full effect.


Actually, I'm excited the MOST about about a game that probably has a billion more years of development: Spore. Still nothing really new since E3 2006, but I'm still waiting to have my life be consumed. If you have 15 minutes to spare, watch this video and shit your pants. Remember -- this is already from HALF A YEAR AGO.

Birth of a Franchise: Worms

And you all thought I was done with these, didn't you?

Wrong!

As long as the universe remains of a victim of "sequelitis" (and if you need proof of that, look at the Ratchet and Clank series), I will be there to point out the missteps and failures along the way. That having been said, let's take a look at where it all started...

Worms (PC, Amiga, Commodore 64, Game Boy, Game Boy Color, Game Boy Advance, Genesis, Dreamcast, SNES, GC, PS1, PS2, Saturn, XBOX, 1994)

Now THAT is a long list of game consoles. Originally intended to be more realistic (complete with blood, gore, and war sounds in the background), the original Worms had a lot of things going for it -- an interesting war command sim, unique weapons, and a sense of humor. Essentially, it was a violent use of physics (which is basically what Crackdown and Psy-Ops were, anyways).

You could name your worms (giving sheer joy to idiots everywhere), and the environments were entirely destructible, giving an interesting twist to the genre. Speaking of unusual twists, the game featured support for four players...back before anyone knew the internet existed. So really, it was a matter of pushing the keyboard over to your friend. Still, this would be a landmark for the series.

Really, the only noticeable problem with Worms was playing solo. Either the computer was retarded, or it never messed up. Honestly, you can only get whomped on so much by a fake person.

Worms 2/Armageddon (PC...etc, 1997)
See, for me, this is the pinnacle of the Worms series. I include Armageddon with Worms 2, because basically, Armageddon is just an add-on. There really isn't a huge difference between the two.
Worms 2 took everything that was good about Worms and made it better. The sense of humor returned in the form of outlandish weapons (using a Sheep, Skunk, Mole...etc as an explosive instrument of war), and zany character animations.

Also, the improved graphics made it possible for players to create their own levels -- a huge plus. In addition to revamping the graphics and gameplay, Team 17 also went and implemented WormNET, an online place to play the game. Likewise, for people without internet, there was a "Mission Mode" that made playing the game one-player more challenging, and also allowed the player to unlock weapons (like the Aqua-Sheep).

Really, I can't think of anything that could have been done to make this game any better. Any problem from the first game was taken into consideration, and addressed accordingly. Most people would agree with me, but a lot of people think that games are always better in 3D...


Worms 3D/Worms Forts: Under Siege/Worms 4: Mayhem (PC, XBOX, PS2, 2003)

Damn it Team 17, if it ain't broke, DON'T FIX IT. I can't fault them for trying, though.

The 3D forays were not largely well-received, and they earned it: if it's difficult to aim a bazooka using wind on a 2-D plane, imagine how hard it is to do in 3D. Needless to say, lot of frustration there. Also, the wonky camera and confusing physics didn't make things much better.

Again, Team 17 experiments. Some ideas are good (Forts was a pretty interesting spinoff idea), and others are terrible (platforms in 3D). Between the two, Worms 4 came out, and didn't really impress anybody. By the time the game turned out to be playable, it was already too late.

Realizing that the series hit its optimal point with Armageddon, they decided to work backwards. Recent releases, such as Worms: Open Warfare (PSP, DS), and Worms (XBOX Live), are basically just ports of Armageddon, except modified to be used without a mouse (with mixed results in controls...I still can't dominate the ninja rope without a keyboard).

As a matter of fact, those games are all available in some form: Don't just take my word for it -- download!

Stinkers

Nowadays, people bitch about the smallest details. My personal favorite of the last few weeks has to be PA's complaint that Crackdown uses the default font. If that's the biggest complaint you have about a game, it's not really worth making, now is it.? It could be so much worse.

So much worse.

After yesterday's post, it got me thinking -- what are some of the worst-received games of all time? I know that Pulse Racer is one of the more recent games that has been deemed "crap," but that game would have gotten perfect scores back in 1994. Let's see what people hate, and why.

#1. Superman 64 (N64, 1999)
So, you've probably heard of this one. If you haven't, allow me to fill you in:
Apparently, Superman has been sent into a virtual world to rescue Lois Lane, Jimmy Olson, et al before it's too late. Well, I suppose that would kinda be an OK premise.

Then you start playing.

In this game, everything is on a timer. Eat, sleep shit, all to a timer. Now, Superman can do everything this side of getting into Jimmy Olson's pants (don't act like you haven't noticed), so maybe a timer would mix things up a bit. But what's this? The world is mysteriously filled with a green "fog" that in the game industry is usually called an inability to render objects in the distance. See: Draw-Distance. Now, because this isn't really supposed to be about polygon rendering, and more about how shitty the air is in VR, let's fill the whole goddamned screen with this shit! Now you can't see much of anything!

So, OK, you can't really see, and everything is timed, but you still have powers and stuff, right? Well, you can still fly, and brilliant criminal mastermind Lex Luthor has totally built a challenge for you -- fly through some rings.

What?

Yeah, you'll spend the majority of the game flying through these metal hoops (very much like the rings in Starfox 64). Fighting bad guys probably isn't a good idea, because even some retard with a gun can take you down in one shot (the fog can apparently make Superman as strong as Joan Rivers). So you fly through rings. Lots of rings.

Yeah, they look like that. I'm sure that the numbers from the timer are probably burned into the screen, so just in case something ISN'T timed, you won't get sloppy and relaxed because of it.

Granted, no Superman game has been good since the Superman Arcade game I played as a kid. Even the most recent entry from EA has sucked (although they at least got the superpowers down).

Still, you know you have a serious problem when the "S" logo at the bottom right of the screen looks better than anything else in the game.






#2. E.T. The Extra Terrestrial (Atari 2600, 1982)

The worst thing that can happen to a videogame is when it has a movie tie-in. The movie studio puts you an a harsh deadline, and you are expected to ship that completed game the week that the movie comes out. The game always comes out, but it's never what it's supposed to be.
E.T. the movie had years of development. The game? 5 Weeks. That's it. Howard Scott Warshaw (the same guy who programmed Yars' Revenge) was given $200,000 for the project (and this is in 1980's dollars...that's a lot!). With the short deadline, they skipped audience testing and shipped a generally glitchy game.

But that's not the fun part.

Normally, a bad game gets ridiculed for a month, and people just don't buy it. It then fades into obscurity only to be mentioned by the occasion heckler (read: me). E.T. was not quite so lucky. Anticipating huge sales, Atari made 4 million cartidges. There were only 10 million Atari consoles in existence! After the returns started piling up, Atari realized they were stuck with a huge pile of games that were glitchy and poor. So they did what any logical person would do.

They buried them.

Before declaring bankruptcy, Atari drove all the cartridges from El Paso to a New Mexico landfill. They then crushed and buried all of the games. However, in the heat, the games melted and starting bubbling up to the surface. Atari then sealed the entire burial grounds in concrete.

And you wonder why Atari vanished from 1984 until 1998.


#3. Enter the Matrix (PC, XBOX, PS2, GC, 2003)

This is more a of a personal bias, but who cares? Enter the Matrix was definitely not given any awards other than for sucking. However, as bad as some people may think this game is, I have a personal vendetta against it.
Before that, though, there are a few things that it does do right. First of all, the mo-cap stuff is pretty much dead on. When I hit a button to attack, it looks like it normally does in the Matrix films. Likewise, the "Hacking" terminal (basically a simplified version of DOS) is a game in and of itself, and is a very cool implementation. The movies also add to the game by intertwining the two.

But that's where the cool stuff ends.

See, in order for a game to be playable, there have to be set boundaries. I rented this game back when it came out, and I remember that I was stuck on one part where I was supposed to get a flashlight (or else I was killed by...something). But I couldn't figure out where the hell the flashlight was. Eventually, I just tried running all over the place, and then tried to go down the dark passage. It worked. Once I died, I had to figure out how I got the flashlight. Apparently, the flashlight was all the way in the back of the level, but the designer had neglected to put in the icon, or even a notifier that it was collected. You never knew if you had picked it up unless you tried to run down the tunnel!

Also, the "last level" was an on-rails shooter, but you couldn't tell if you were hitting the damned sentinel. It reminded me of a game called Deep Impact, or Deep Tide or something that was a four disc game that was basically like shooting within a movie. Eventually, either you won the game or you died, but you had no idea when either of those things was going to occur.

In reality, the biggest failing of the game was not including Neo.

You dumb bastards.