Tuesday, January 30, 2007

You Know What? I'm Lazy.

That's the truth, ladies and gents. I can't say that I've been "really busy," but it's just more of a laziness factor. I say I'm going to update, but I'm usually just tired and I don't feel like it. Well, a blog is an extension of yourself, so if your blog is lazy, YOU are lazy. Since I'm still in denial, I'm going to try and be more religious about updating.
But that's enough whining -- or is it?

I've discovered that I have the most fun on this blog when I'm tearing something a new asshole.
So, that having been said, here are the three WORST games (that I have played) I can think of at this precise second. And I'm making it a little more challenging by ruling out all the easy bad games (think Superman 64 and my personal favorite, Greendog).

#1. Atomic Robo Kid (Sega Genesis, Arcade, TurboGrafix-16, 1990)
Oh dear lord, why was this monstrosity of a game ever ported to home systems? Let's take a look at the gameplay mechanics -- you control a robot that looks like VICI from Small Wonder if she had down's syndrome.
And was a robotic monstrosity.

As an arcade game, it's probably OK that one hit kills you. If you assume that some moron is going to put money into a game that promotes genetic diseases in robots, then you deserve to lose that quarter. However, back then, it was $50 for this steaming pile of shitake.

What magical improvements did they make for the home version? Well, they remove
d the points, so there's NO motivation to continue playing, and then in order to compensate one hit killing you (and sending you back to the beginning of the level), they give you an absurd number of lives. That way the frustration mounts, making you want to hurl your controller even FURTHER on your next death.

Seriously -- the only thing even remotely cool about this game is that you can buy weapon upgrades from some black market robot (yeah, they have black market goods in the future. I just wish that the guy wore a trenchcoat). But it's a secret -- not intended to be a normal part of the game.

#2. Shaq Fu (Sega Genesis, Super Nintendo, 1994)
The box art says it all: "Come Get Yours!"
Come get my what? My pile of suck? My waste of money? Oh, I am SO there!

Let's see how many "coincidences" we have here:
#1. Micahel Jordan creates basketball game that only mostly sucks.
#2. Shaq, having opted out of NBA Jam, claims he has no involvement with games.
#3. "Shaq Diesel," an epic CD, needs a promotional tool.
#4. Shaq has yet to ruin his acting career with movies "Steel" and "Kazaam."

Well, when the price is right, a lousy game awaits. Shaq puts his loveable mug on what is probably the worst fighting game I have ever played. Unsurprisingly, Shaq has the best reach in this game, which makes him the best player. See, no hit registers unless you hit them RIGHT IN THE CENTER OF THE BODY. Punch some guy in the face? Too bad -- didn't hit him. As a result, you rarely FINISH a goddamned fight because you'd run out of time in the match from TRYING to hit eachother.

To add insult to injury, the music CD "Shaq Diesel" was packaged in with the game. That way, while your eyes are bleeding from the misery onscreen, your ears can bleed too! If they had packaged in the "Shaq Roto Rooter Suppository," I think they would have gone for the clean sweep.

Shoulda retired after "Blue Chips," Shaq.

#3. Universal Studios Theme Park Adventure (Gamecube, 2001)
Why was this game allowed to exist?
I originally came across this game when my roomate brought his Gamecube for the first time. By the end of our lease, we were using it as an air-hockey puck.
Let's see -- you play as a child who wanders around the Universal Studios Theme Park talking to Woody Woodpecker and going on rides. At least, that's what they want you to think.
There are SO many things wrong with this game: first of all, where the hell are this kid's parents? He wanders around a vacant theme park being hounded by some rapist in a Woody Woodpecker costume that obviously has a fetish. Not only that, but when I played (I chose a black child to be PC), my character spent the majority of his theme park time picking up trash. I believe that this is SOLELY because I chose a non-caucasian character, and that one of the later minigames would have involved the cotton gin.
The other main problem with the game is that it's geared towards kids...so why the hell is it so damned hard?! There's this kiddy atmosphere, but to get points, you have to answer some ridiculous trivia, like "When Michael J Fox contracted Parkinson's after "Back To The Future," how many times did he attempt suicide?" Jesus Christ! I don't know, and I don't want to know! All I know about those movies is that Doc wants me to buy DirectTV!

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